CELEBURTEES

CELEBURTEES
By Allen Ball
Sunday, August 3, 2003


I shor do like celeburtees coz dey is so purtee an ever thang. But I dont much understan sum of dem doe. Dey seem ta like prezidents dat cheet on dair wivs an hate da wuns dat dont. An whin I say cheetin I aint talkin bout havin one gal on da side like ole FDR or ole Ike. Im talkin bout tryin ta hav sex wif ever feemail on da darn planut like dat ole Bill Clintun.
Ya no, a lotta dem celeburtees didunt like Sik Willee jest coz de econumee wuz good dey liked him coz he made em feel good about awl dat sneekin around dey wuz doin on dair own husbunds an wivs. Ya no I kin understan a man slippin up wun time an bein week whin a purty littl thang struts up to him an puts dat thang right up dair under his nose, but I caint respec no man hoos mairreed an got childrins to boot hoo keeps on doin it an hurtin his pore ole wife an childrins over an over an over agin. In de ole daze he wooda got da crap beet outta him by da wifes bruthers or her ole pappy.
But yoo take a guy like ole Jorg W Boosh an dem dair celeburtees like Jorg Cooney, Marvin Sheen, Dannee Clover, Harree Hagman, Janeen Garagalo an Barber Strisan -- dey awl hate dat littl booger. I no sumtimes he haz a hard time sayin what he wants to say an peeple make fun of him for dat, but da boys a good boy. He luvs da Lord an he luvs peeple. So for cryin out loud why in da devil are dey sayin he is lik anuther Hitler an he is a facis like wuz in Italee whin ole Moosaleeny wuz in charg durin Werld War 2. What did dat boy do dat makes dem awl hate him so much?
Hav ya ever notissed how dair is so much moor sex on tellavishun since ole Bill wuz prezident? Ever time I turn da tv on sum yung girls liftin her blowz for ever bodee ta see her breastasis. Mosta dat stuf is on dat dair e chanul on kabul tv. Dey oughta cawl it da c chanul, as in lookee here, c what I got under my blowz. I see da girls a kissin wun anuther an bitin wun anuther on da bee hind. How far are dey gonna go wif it? What is tv gonna be like in tin years? An how bout dat Howord Sternum sho? Is he a perv or what? Yoo jest no he is gonna gro old, lonelee an unhapy by himself. Peeple lik him mess around on dair wivs til dey git old an uglee -- corse he is uglee alredy -- then nobodee wants em excep for dair munny.
I remimber da days whin women wuz modust about dair bodees. Dey woodunt sho a woman frum da neck down on da Jonee Carsun sho if she wuz wairin a low cut dress. Now all dem Holleewood wimen wil sho ever thang dey got for free on tv. Dair boyfrins an husbunds must reely feel good nowin ever bodee an his bruther haz seen his gal necked in da moovies. I wood take one Moreen OHara over tin Jenifer Lowpezes inny day. Now she wuz a woman. A clasee woman. Yoo new she ain't been rode like a race horse by ever guy in da cowntee.
Ya no anuther thang I dont understan is why sum of dem Holleewood peeple luvs dat ole Castrow down dair in Cuber. I meen dey go down dair ta meet da guy an talk about how much dey like him whin da guy haz had peeple killed for years an years an years jest so he kood stay in power. I meen, he is a dick tater for cryin out loud! An ole Dannee Clover hoo stars in awl dose moovies wif Merl Gibsun an ole Kevin Cawsner hoo danced wif a wolf --- dey all luv ole Castrow. I jest dont git it. I meen, dey luv ole Castrow an dey hate ole Jorg.
Ya no, it remines me of sum of dem ole moovees an books bout da royul peeple an da ole dick taters wher dey wuz jest a few of dem in charg an dey ran ever thang. Dey didunt beleeve in relijun, dey jest beleeved in bein in charg an havin a lotta sex an munnee. I meen dey wuz havin sex awl da time wif dair bruthers wivs an dair daddees wivs, dair mades, an sum of dem even had sex wif dair own kinfolk! Dey wood hav sex orgees wher a buncha peeple wood git necked an sexed up wun anuther jest lik dey do on dose daytime sope oprys on da tellavishun. Yoo caint turn on chanul 7, 9 or 12 in da afternoon wifout seein sum bodee necked layin on top of sum bodee else hoo is necked. Grown ups talk about da way yung peeple are havin sex dese daze but awl dey see is grown ups havin sex on tv an in da moovees so why shood dey think dat havin sex wif everbodee an his bruther is rong?
Dem celeburtees liv in a werld of dair own. Dey dont reelies how minny peeple like me think dat dey are so foolish an so stuk up an cunceeted. Dey dont reelies dat we think dat dey are a bunch of sillee no it awls. Its funnee how quik dey git relijun awl of a suddin whin dey git sik or dey git cawt wif dair hand in da til or dey git arested for snortin da kokane or da moovees run out whin dey git old and rinkulled. Its funnee how uncockee dey git whin dey ain't so famus inny moor an de munny aint cummin in like it yoos to.
I remimber da daze whin da celeburtees an da littl guys were awl on da same side. Dey awl pulled togethur for da prezident an da cuntry. Celeburtees lik Bob Hope, Bing Crawsbee, John Wane, Jimmee Stuwert, James Cagnee, Loocille Ball, Carry Grant, Judee Garlund, Jack Binny an a lot moor dat I cain't remimber right now --- celeburtees yoo luved coz yoo felt like dey wuz yore frind not yore enamee. It's sad to no dat dey dont like inny prezident jest coz he is a republican. An it is sad to no dat dey dont care what da prezident duz as long as he is a demacrat. He kin lie to us. He kin hav sex in da clawzit or in da swimmin pool or in da ovul awfis at da white house wif a woman dat aint his wife but its ok if he is a demacrat.
I never thawt I wood liv ta see da day whin so minny peeple in dis cuntry wood hate wun anuther. I never emagined dat peeple wood blame uther peeple whin dey eat to much or smoke to much or drink to much an dey git sik an want sumbodee to pay dem for abusin dair own bodees. An I never thawt da day wood cum whin I wood not like so miny moovee stars coz dey are so imorul an so stuck on dem selfs an think dey no moor dan inny bodee else hoo aint a star or a demacrat.
I shor hope dat Tom Hanks an his wife Reeta are as nice as dey seem. An Merl Gibsun an Tom Sellik an Barbera Wallters an Reegus Filbin an Kirt Russul an Goldee Hawn and Bonnee Hunt. Dey make me feel good whin I see dem.
Celeburtees -- God bless dem coz whin da big un cums dey awl gonna be washed out in to da Pacifik Oshun. I hope dat da nice wuns find a raft or an inner toob or a peece of drif wood to flote on til sum bodee kin cum an git 'em.

Sneed Hearn
Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Written by Allen Ball
Sunday, August 3, 2003