UDAY AND QUSAY

Uday and Qusay were the sons of evil tyrant, and part-time veal cutlet salesman, Saddam Hussein. Although they lived in constant fear of having their testicles removed for the slightest perceived offense against their father, being the sons of a dictator had its perks. They were never punished for raping women and pillaging men, or vice versa; they were never held accountable for cold-blooded acts of murder; and they were never audited. Parking violations were routinely ignored. And, their medical and dental plans were the envy of all Baghdad.
Most of us poor schleps must drop a "twenty" for drinks on a strange woman at a bar, wine and dine a female in a highfalutin restaurant, or sit through a boring evening of a production of La Boheme, before finding out whether or not we're going to get "lucky" at the end of the night. Not so with Messrs. Uday and Qusay. They had only to cruise the streets of Baghdad, in their Kias, to fulfill their lustful desires, selecting the objects of their sexual desire, like picking out guacamole at a produce stand. [ It is interesting, though irrelevant, to note here that sudden outbursts of laughter, by selected partners, during sex, were met with infliction of unspeakable horrors. Comical and derogatory references to "size" were immediately followed by summary execution of the offending party.]
The downside of being the sons of an evil despot included never sleeping in the same bed two nights in a row, living with the ever-present fear of being blown to smithereens, and having to shell out big bucks for things like hiring a "taster" to taste their "Happy Meals" for poison.
Punishment for acts of the sons deemed offensive by the father usually involved not losing privileges, but, instead, entailed either a stern reprimand, a vigorous spanking, or the loss of a testicle or appendage. The latter being a harsh penalty considering the affinity Iraqis develop for their body parts, however unsightly.
In the end, Uday and Qusay met their inevitable fates in a shoot-out with American soldiers in the Northern Iraqi city of Mosul. News reports indicated the bodies of the regime's No. 2 and No. 3 figures were badly damaged and, despite the expenditure of three rolls of duct tape to "patch 'em up", the bodies were still unrecognizable. Several sources, including dental records and stool samples, were needed for conclusive identification because, as one observer stated: "The sum bitches' heads were the size of melons." Pictures of the mangled bodies were taken and 5x7's, 8x10's and wallet-size photos were soon made available for purchase on the internet at Baghdad.com. just in time for the holidays.
Invitations to the funeral service for Uday and Qusay were posted on Iraqi television. Recipients of invitations included members of the Saddam regime, still at large, and Saddam himself. Only two members of the regime showed up, but, then, only after hearing that there would be refreshments.
At the end of the chapel service, an Iraqi man sang a stirring rendition of "For The Good Times", by Kris Kristofferson, accompanied by an old Iraqi woman on the banjo.
The service was followed by the serving of refreshments--hot dogs, potato chips, and Dr. Pepper. Roasted marshmallows, a last minute suggestion by Dr. Ibrahim Al Basri, were included, since Uday and Qusay were being cremated.
--EARTHLINGS ARE CRAZY AS HELL! by ALLEN BALL